Too many times now my writings on this website have been brought up in court, and are being used to try and establish me as an abusive and hateful person; towards my children, women, and even myself. I have tried over time to not get too personal except in extreme circumstances, and I feel this is yet again another of those times.
I am an abused spouse.
It's true; in fact, it's truer than I wish it is. It's kind of embarrassing and humiliating, considering who I am in real life and what I'm capable of. But I was raised to not hit women, and unfortunately this has led me to become involved in situations which, while trying to resolve myself rather than involve the authorities out of concern for my significant other, have led to me being emotionally, verbally, and even physically abused. And notice I said 'am'; once you're a victim of abuse, you never stop being a victim. The pain and shame are always there, and it is hard to stop from reliving a previous episode when you find yourself in a new conflict. I have been abandoned emotionally and/or physically by every woman I have ever loved - including my mother - and this also doesn't help when my abusers try to cast me as the villain and themselves as the victims.
I normally wouldn't talk about this so openly, but there are a few pieces I have written that this will help put into perspective, and I ask that you read them now if you haven't before.
In the first two I try to use a dark form of satire to convey my messages, which sometimes goes unnoticed to due to the severity of the content. In "Why I Hate Your Children" sometimes it may seem like I'm in favor of abusing children, when in fact this couldn't be farther from the truth due to the fact I suffered my own abuse as a child, emotionally and physically. The line 'my kids understand I can throw them to the floor in the toy aisle a LOT harder than they can throw themselves' in no way is meant to suggest I would ever do so, but instead that I have established the sort of authority over them necessary to prevent them from throwing the kind of tantrum we see all too often these days in public shopping centers.
"How to Fight With Your Wife" takes it a step further, and I used this article as a way to come to terms with some of the physical abuse I suffered from one of my spouses. Some of the lines are patently absurd, such as 'punch her in the tits [so makeup sex will be better]' and 'kick her in the ovaries and DDT her'; honestly, how do you kick a woman in the ovaries anyway? However, the chokeslam was real. It may seem harsh that I would joke about it, but it was real and quite frankly I'm proud of the fact I stood up for myself. And for any reader who may question the validity of my statements: I can indeed prove I was being abused by the person this happened with. She physically assaulted me in front of two co-workers one day when I had to bum a ride home because she refused to come pick me up in my own car.
The night of the chokeslam was Thanksgiving, and she was trying to leave our child and me alone on a holiday while she took my car to go see one of the guys she was cheating on me with. I decided 'enough is enough'; I snuck my key in the door of the car as she sat in the driveway arguing with me and popped the lock. Then I opened the door and removed the car keys from the ignition, at which time she literally stabbed me on my upper left arm with her fake fingernails - all five of them. She began screaming at me to 'give her her keys back' and began hitting me with her fists closed. I was already bleeding, and she was hitting me hard enough to bruise; I took it as long as I could, and then I chokeslammed her to the ground. The police told her due to the fact it was obvious I was the real victim if she tried to press charges she would have to go to jail as well, so nothing really ever came of that. But allowing it to proceed for as long as I did until I reached a snapping point was a very bad thing for me. It made me more aggressive when dealing with confrontations, and opened a door to a lot of repressed rage. I have never apologized to this women for this incident, nor will I ever; I spent way too much of our relationship apologizing for fights she started and her abuse of me.
Which brings me to "Eat A Dick, Angie". This article isn't even entirely accurate, due to the fact I had actually forgiven her for what she had done I forgot some pertinent information and got a few things wrong. For starters, she only yelled at me for about a total of forty-five minutes, but that's quite enough. Oh, and she was gone for only three minutes, not the four I earlier stated. But the kicker is how I tried to leave. That's right; I had almost completely forgotten how I had loaded up the older children in the car and tried to get us out of there. And she left our youngest child, just a year old, unattended in the house to jump in the car. She knew I wouldn't leave like that, and she was right. The kids and I got out of the car, at which point I began trying to convince her to leave - and you know the rest.
When you put all this into perspective, is it any wonder I'm angry? Situations in which I have been victimized are used against me because I finally reacted to the abuse I was enduring. Perhaps I should have called the police instead of trying to defuse these situations myself, but I had no desire to see either of these women I cared about hauled off to jail. Of course, they did not have the same consideration for me, even to the point one of them engineered a situation she could use to have me put in jail and subsequently used to prevent me and the older children from seeing the baby; only to admit later in court she knew there was never any threat of abuse, she was never in any danger, and the situation was just as much her fault as anything. Oh, and it was her who wanted me prosecuted; the judge in the case asked the D.A. to reduce the charge and let me move in with my life, and it was her decision to move forward with prosecution knowing full well it was total bullshit.
I have been used and abused, and it's not always easy to deal with. But I use this website to express my feelings, frustrations, and make lame attempts at comedy - so here I am pouring my heart out and trying yet again to deal with injustice in my life. Perhaps I am a very angry man, but I have the right and the justification to be angry. I and my children have been put through a lot - why can't I speak my mind about it, especially when the two people who have done the most to me continue to try to make themselves the victims or portray me as the villain simply because I finally reacted or defended myself?
Those of you who have trouble coming to terms with my warped sense of humor or the fact I pull no punches when dealing with my personal issues hopefully have some perspective now, and understand a little more behind the context. I am tired of explaining myself and feel I shouldn't have to after all I've been through, but I also have no problem doing so because I know I'm right and still feel the truth is the best weapon to overcome injustice.
