A buddy of mine recently forwarded me an article from MSN entitled "How To Fight With Your Wife". Much like you, I expected this to be a hilarious piece of satire aimed at couples- therapists who take themselves too seriously. WRONG! Upon clicking the link, I discovered it was subtitled "and keep your marriage". Huh? Being married and awesome, I consider marriage advice boring unless it comes from me. Having been in multiple 'wife fights', I can consider myself an expert on the subject. Now I will grace you with MY pointers on how to properly fight with your wife.

A. Argument Phase
- All women will eventually find some reason to nag you, gripe at you, or complain in general just for their own edification. So here are some scenarios.

1. If she wants to get into the 'you did this' memory battle bullshit - do not give up at any cost, even if it comes to blows. Women tend to be overly emotional, and this can be used to your advantage. If she calls you on the carpet for something and she's right, make something up that proves either she's wrong or deserved the incident/treatment she's referring to. "I never would have fucked your mother if you hadn't turned me down for that all girl orgy I wanted for my birthday". Works every time.

2. When she brings up your job and/or low pay, tell her "That's cool", get in your car, and go empty the checking account. She won't bitch about your money once she's had to live a few days off Ramen noodles and Cap'n Crunch in water.

The best way ever to shut a bitch up about your kids.

3. If she wants to gripe you don't do enough with your kids, accuse her of cheating on you and demand to go on "Maury" for a paternity test.

4. Once the argument reaches the 'bedroom activities' or 'lack of sexual satisfaction' phase, this is your perfect opportunity to turn the tables on her. Start by calming her down. Agree with all her bullshit, and apologize profusely. Make promises you have no intention of keeping - this is key. At some point during the wild make-up sex that follows pull out, spit a lugey in her face, and declare "See bitch! You're not the only one who can fake an orgasm!"

This sure to bring it to the next phase -
B. Sudden Death Cage Match Of Doom
- This is a delicate phase indeed. Never throw the first lick. Even though women love starting physical fights with men they seem to not actually want to fight, and call the cops if you strike first or fight back. But if she hits first, the cops will treat you both the same and it's on like Donkey Kong.

1. Punch her in the tits. The bigger they are the better. And the subsequent swelling will make small boobs a little bigger for the next few days, which is sure to come in handy during make-up sex.

2. Kick her in the ovaries, then DDT her. Most bitches are sure to tap out at this point, and let you soil them. If she doesn't quit now, you're in trouble. You may have to -

3. Tag in a friend. Either she's too much for you, or you're hoping to turn it into a hot threeway. Either way works out well. One way, you get a screaming psycho bitch off you for a moment while you regroup and re-think your strategy. The other way, you get to claim in court she actually cheated on you during a domestic violence incident she started. Great success.

4. Bring a foreign object into the ring. This tactic has worked well for many years. Randy Orton used this same tactic to defeat Mick Foley. Just make sure the ref is distracted or you'll be DQ'd. You could easily use a chair, fireplace poker, or one of the massive sex toys she keeps hand due to the aforementioned lack of sexual gratification.

This guy has it right. Except for the mask

5. Grab a hand full of hair, and then choke-slam her. If she still wants to fight after this brutal move she's the fucking Terminator, and you need John Connors' help - not mine.

You should now be prepared to fight off any assault from the lesser partner of your marriage - verbal or physical. After racking up just a few wins, she will declare you champion, and treat you accordingly. I personally guarantee there will be hot lesbian threesomes and blowjobs in abundance in your future. Maybe not from her, but the confidence you will gain from defending yourself and getting over the 'never hit a woman' stigma is sure to lead you to a better relationship with a woman who knows her place, and isn't afraid of wiping up vomit. Letting her win will only ensure your testicles stay firmly locked in that box she keeps on the mantle and shows off to her feminist friends who stop by just to watch you vacuum the house.

If that's the case, you're a fucking pussy and deserved the ass-beating she just handed you.