So I finally received my first bit of hatemail, and it was by far one of the most ridiclous things I have ever read. I found out a lot about this particular imbecile during the course of the conversation that ensued, including the fact that British schools obviously don't teach you to understand what you're reading. Without futher ado, here's the mail I received regarding an article I did last year titled "Hey Smokers - Fuck You".

Nathan Morgan < nathanmorgan@gamerarmy.com> wrote:

Smoking kills. But then, so do fast cars, drink, sex, great white sharks, black mambas, MiG-35s, Challenger II tanks, AH 64 attack helicopters, Uzis and daisy cutter bombs, and are we supposed to ban all of those as well?

Actually, don't answer that question if you consider yourself a health and safety zealot, because I know what your answer would be already. "Yes, yes, yes! Ban them all! Ban everything that's fun! Ban everything that's dangerous! Ban everything that's sexy and exciting and edgy and cool! In fact, don't stop banning things till the only thing left to do is sip room-temperature water from a cup made from splinter-free sustainable wood, eat tofu and watch grass grow (taking care to do so in the shade between 10a.m. and 3p.m. and while wearing organic, non-allergenic, sun cream of SPF50 or higher, obviously)…"

Smoking kills and smoking is fun. The fact that smoking kills is an integral part of that fun. Of course, smoking has lots of other things going for it too, including:

1. It gives you a delicious quivery rush - especially when you've not had a fag in a while
2. It goes fantastically well with coffee and alcohol and stressful phone conversations
3. It's fantastic after sex
4. It's the best cure for pre-party nerves
5. It helps you bond with other smokers who, being addictive type-A personalities, are inevitably more interesting than non-smokers
6. It stops you getting Alzheimer's disease, some research claimed once
7. It enhances perfect moments
8. It wards off boredom
9. It kills time
10. It gives you something to do with your hands
11. It means you've usually got a lighter or a cigarette on you, which might come in handy in unexpected survival situations
12. It means if you haven't got a light you're going to meet new people
13. It boosts the livelihood of tobacco growers in the third world and North Carolina
14. It wards off mosquitoes, midges, gnats, wasps and flies
15. It masks the smell of farts and body odour, making nightclubs, pups and bars more pleasant
16. It winds up puritans and health freaks
17. It gives you a sexy, husky voice
18. It helps you to concentrate

Extraordinary that we're banning these things. We should be making them compulsory!

P.S. Fuck me? No-no..how about, fuck YOU - now that your shit has been completely ruined.

Wouldn't that lead a normal, sane person to believe Nathan was a smoker offended by my tirade? So here's my response:

 

Hey, great reply. But as a mouth breathing tobacco riddled moron, you seem to have missed this-

You want to know the real reason people are so adamant about banning smoking? It has nothing to do with health. It's because most (and by that I mean 99.99% of) smokers are rude, trashy assholes. I wouldn't mind you smoking indoors except for the fact when I ask you politely not to smoke around my children you reply with "Fuck you. It's a free country."

and this-

Another reason I personally want to see smoking in public banned period is you trashy sons of bitches flicking your goddam buttes all over the place.

But of course you missed those parts because they point out the two greatest flaws of any smoker, and the real reason for banning it. It has almost as little to do with health as you have to do with benefiting society. Most smokers, most likely including you, are nasty fuckers who think the world is your fucking ashtray. Smoke away, moron. Give yourself cancer and that snazzy talk-box you always wanted so you can perfect that "Uncle Ned" impression you've been working on. But when your habit starts to intrude on my right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness you have crossed the line. So go fuck yourself, and next time maybe you should read the entire article before emailing me to call me a health nut. Asshole.
Oh yeah - next time you're stopped at a red light emptying your fucking ashtray out on the road, it would be nice for some car to come by a little too close to your car door and sever your head. Hopefully before you can start breeding. But I'm not that lucky.

P.S. You're already fucked, so I can't say that. But how does it feel knowing my 2 reasons totally pwn the million you gave me? Your shit is weak.

 

The irrascible Ms. Morgan just couldn't seem to leave well enough alone, and felt compelled to respond yet again:

Nathan Morgan < nathanmorgan@gamerarmy.com> wrote:

You know, I read this and laughed. Why? Find me anywhere in my email where I have told you I am a smoker. As for your assumption that I'm a smoker myself, that's just your inability to formulate an argument based on intelligent discourse. Let's put that more colloquially shall we? You've made a blatantly incorrect assumption which proves most of your bullshit to be fundamentally flawed, itiot!

As for this:

"You want to know the real reason people are so adamant about banning smoking? It has nothing to do with health. It's because most (and by that I mean 99.99% of) smokers are rude, trashy assholes. I wouldn't mind you smoking indoors except for the fact when I ask you politely not to smoke around my children you reply with "Fuck you. It's a free country."

The above logic could be applied I suppose, but basically you're generalising, you're a presumptuous cock. Are all gays camp? Are all Muslims terrorists? I'm right-wing, but I'm not an idiot, unlike some people - namely yourself.

"But when your habit starts to intrude on my right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness you have crossed the line"

Okay, explain that one, jackass. It better not be this 'passive smoking' bullshit, please spare that.

As for:

"Oh yeah - next time you're stopped at a red light emptying your fucking ashtray out on the road, it would be nice for some car to come by a little too close to your car door and sever your head"

I'm 16 and I live in the UK, and as a result I can't drive, moron.

Ah, isn't it funny that one's assumptions and contradictions can be their downfall?

P.S. I pity your kids. I'm considering calling the NSPCC because having kids when you're this stupid is cruelty to children.

P.S.S If I don't email you back, it's because I might be asleep, not because you "pwnz0r3d me LOL!!1!"

So you don't even smoke, yet felt you had to not only email someone to defend smoking (which had nothing to do with my article - it was about smokers) but needed to engage in an argument about it. Your first email left a lot to the imagination and left the distinct impression of a smoker not enjoying their habit being so viciously attacked. Yet I am an idiot for drawing that conclusion? Sorry, but the rest of us don't seem to have developed those "mad ESP skillz" you seem to posess. Here's my next reply:

 

Why explain anything? You're obviously a moron. (omfg, another presumption!) Find anywhere in my article where I said I was a health nut. OMG, YOU presumed something (gasp!)
[Remember this for later - Actually, don't answer that question if you consider yourself a health and safety zealot, because I know what your answer would be already. "Yes, yes, yes! Ban them all! Ban everything that's fun! Ban everything that's dangerous! Ban everything that's sexy and exciting and edgy and cool! In fact, don't stop banning things till the only thing left to do is sip room-temperature water from a cup made from splinter-free sustainable wood, eat tofu and watch grass grow (taking care to do so in the shade between 10a.m. and 3p.m. and while wearing organic, non-allergenic, sun cream of SPF50 or higher, obviously)…"]

And I'm not generalizing, tool. I go on experience - I don't have to assume when that kind of shit HAS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME! And the fact you have asked me to explain the "life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness" line PROVES you should have been aborted.(presuming you weren't, but somehow survived)

Here it is in simple terms and small words so you'll get it: the second hand smoke smokers breathe out can give me cancer (life) and their nasty habit of tossing buttes everywhere has more politicians legislating it out (liberty) and listening to them whine the rest of us are sick of being made to feel we HAVE to endure their shit is a definite assault on my pursuit of happiness. Having to explain that to a moron makes me feel dumber. Congratulations!

You really think you're very clever, but what I don't get is why a 16 year old whose only action is still your hand (omg presumption) and doesn't smoke would want to engage me in an argument over the internet about a subject that affects you in no way. You don't smoke, and you don't live here. So why bother?

Oh yeah, cause you're a prepubescent gamer nerd with nothing else to do. Now fuck right off.

 

Young master Nathan obviously couldn't stand the fact I was not backing down from my stance on smokers, and was determined to make me admit he was right even though he was arguing the wrong point. Here we go again:

Nathan Morgan <nathanmorgan@gamerarmy.com > wrote:

No, I'm clearly not a moron, but call me that if you will. If I'm such a moron, how's it that so far I've managed to blow your arguments out of the sky? And, I'm about to do so again, ready?

Find anywhere in my email where I said you were a health nut, you moron.
Remember this ? - Actually, don't answer that question if you consider yourself a health and safety zealot, because I know what your answer would be already. "Yes, yes, yes! Ban them all! Ban everything that's fun! Ban everything that's dangerous! Ban everything that's sexy and exciting and edgy and cool! In fact, don't stop banning things till the only thing left to do is sip room-temperature water from a cup made from splinter-free sustainable wood, eat tofu and watch grass grow (taking care to do so in the shade between 10a.m. and 3p.m. and while wearing organic, non-allergenic, sun cream of SPF50 or higher, obviously)…" Moron, indeed...
Seriously, here's a tip: read the type on the screen before you shoot anything else off to me. Moving on….

It doesn't matter if it HAS happened to you or not, that still doesn't mean that all smokers are like that. You can't win this one. Actually, clearly, you just can't win. Period.

As for the passive smoking bullshit, well, here goes: Passive smoking DOES NOT EXIST - at least not in the sense it is used by anti-smoking campaigners. Spend a day, a night, a whole year working in a smoky bar and you're not going to suddenly drop dead of a heart attack of keel over with lung cancer. You just won't, seriously. It's a complete and utter myth.

How do I know this? Between 1959 and 1989, two American researchers named James Enstrom and Geoffrey Kabat conducted the world's only major long-term investigation into the subject, surveying no fewer than 118,097 Californians. Fierce anti-smoking campaigners themselves, they began the research because they wanted to prove what a pernicious, socially damaging habit smoking was. Their research was initiated by the American Cancer Society and supported by the anti-smoking Tobacco Related Disease Research Program.

At least it was at first, but then something embarrassing happened. Much to their surprise, Kabat and Enstorm discovered that exposure to environmental tobacco smoke (I.e. passive smoking), no matter how intense or prolonged, creates no significantly increased risk of heart disease or lung cancer.

From being the heros of the health lobby, Enstrom and Kabat became its number one villains. The American Cancer Society and the Tobacco Related Disease Research Program dropped them like a fag-butt and the only way they could complete their research was with the backing of their former arch enemies - the cigarette industry.

You want to go on about liberty? Enstorm and Kabat - honest and diligent researchers whose only concern has been the advance of scientific knowledge - have had their integrity smeared and their research either damaged or buried by what they called 'enforcers of political correctness who pose as disinterested scientists but are willing to use base means to trash whose results they dislike'. It was because of the 'passive smoking risk' that the government felt able to justify its draconian ban on smoking in all public places. Thus has another liberty been stolen from us on the basis of a total lie.

Happiness? Your happiness at a cost to theirs?

As for:

"You really think you're very clever, but what I don't get is why a 16 year old who's only action is still your hand (omg presumption) and doesn't smoke would want to engage me in an argument over the internet about a subject that affects you in no way. You don't smoke, and you don't live here. So why bother?

Oh yeah, cause you're a prepubescent gamer nerd with nothing else to do. Now fuck right off."

I don't think I'm clever, I know I am, and there's a difference. Unproven.
I have a girlfriend. Also unproven.
An argument? I'd call it a slaughtering. Me slaughtering you. Why? Because I can and you're helpless to it.
I don't smoke, so what? Neither do you! Does that mean it doesn't affect you to? If you don't smoke, then why do you care about my feelings on smokers? Last time I checked, I was allowed to express my opinion in a free society.
I don't live in the USA, again, so what? Our countries policies often coincide, and in this case, they do.

NOW I am going to bed, I'll reply to you in the morning - that is, if you do even reply.

 

As if I'm totally "owned"? You've got a lot to learn about the fat, bearded man known as The Incredible Bob. At this point I was getting pretty fed up with young Nathan. Some people just can't take a hint, I guess.

 

Slaughtering? Jeez, you're a pre-testicle drop little fool looking for something to do besides whack off. You claim to have a girlfriend - good, go annoy her for a while until she finally realizes you suck like myself and the others reading this have realized you suck. I don't give a fuck about "passive smoking", your bullshit little stories and facts, or even you. I care about what happens in my daily life. Smokers piss me off - not because they smoke, but because they are trashy assholes. I see it every day, everywhere I go. Your pathetic attempt at destroying my reasons for hating smokers is as massive a failure as you are. I am me and you are not, which means you lose by default. Once you've had to pick up a billion cigarette buttes that were 3 inches from the ashtray, you'll understand. Once you are in a situation where some asshole smoker treats you as if they have the right to puff in your face, you'll get it. Until then, shut the fuck up about my opinion. If I cared what tools like you think, my article would have been "Hey Smokers - Please Be More Courteous". Notice how it was a harsh statement of my opinion? Good. Cause that's all I really give a fuck about. How much I despise self aggrandizing assholes who think the rest of us have to put up with their bullshit. Like you.

 

Once again, this zit-raddled tool (omfg, another presumption!) felt the urgent need to continue to try to prove I was incorrect in my hatred of smokers and their habits. It's only blatantly obvious everywhere you go - you can see smokers lighting up in "no smoking" areas and getting irate when asked to extenguish it, throwing a butte on the ground mere inches from a recepticle with an ashtray, or even throwing lit cigarettes in trash cans or on a highway in traffic with no regard of consequences or harm to others. Yet young Nathan seems to have been raised in a plastic bubble with only his books and his mommy to tell him what goes on in the world. This is the last piece of mail I accepted from him:

Nathan Morgan <nathanmorgan@gamerarmy.com> wrote:

Listen you idiot, your arguing is absolute pish. You're shit with words and you ramble. You cannot throw your conceited opinions, skewed logic and blind me with the self-righteous bullshit you normally use to win your arguments. We both know this has been a slaughtering, and we both know you're a conceited fuck. I've already seen this going the way all your arguments seem to go; off topic.

To sum up: I have answered every single one of your points, I have contradicted you at every turn and proved your argument to be fundamentally flawed. And what's more, I have done such without relying solely on personal attack, unlike yourself.

And this is the last bit of the argument I engaged in:

 

This has been no slaughtering - it's been a joke. A 16 year old from the UK who can't drive and doesn't smoke whining at me about my opinion of smokers. Congratulations - you have a firm grasp of the english language and an opinion. Woopty-fuckin-doo! I put 0 effort into my responses to you because you aren't worth my time.

1. There is no attempt to blind you with self-righteous bullshit. I am not on a crusade - I just don't like smokers, and for the reasons I have already stated.
2. You have contradicted none of my points. Can you or have you proven smokers are courteous people with a regard for everyone else's health and sensitivities? NO! And that's my fucking issue with them, MORON! It's not even about the cigarettes. What's fundamentally flawed about not appreciating some asshole blowing carcinogens in my kids' face?
3. Sorry, but claiming you would call the authorities on me regarding my kids was all the personal attack you needed. I take that shit seriously, and you crossed the line. So fuck you.
I sincerely hope you feel better about yourself. You have wasted your time by trying to blunt my reasons for not liking smokers, and all you have accomplished is to make me not like YOU - and given me more material for my site. I do appreciate the heads-up on the email from Maddox - that address doesn't get much mail, so I don't check it very often. It was much more well written and less whiny than anything YOU have sent me. And I will continue having fun with all my sites. You calling me a fraud has no bearing on how I will manage my writing, or my life.
Have fun continuing to be a loser, wherever that may lead you in life. This has gone on long enough, and any more mail from you will simply be deleted without even being read. I still say fuck smokers, and fuck you.

 

Of course he kept trying to email me, but true to my word I deleted them. I did send him one more email reminding him I wasn't reading his shit and any more responses would be dealt with by Yahoo's spam filter. Nathan, we all know a couple of courteous smokers. When the powerful D. Nonz Arelli still smoked, he would excuse himself from people's homes and the presence of children, and even disposed of his refuse pproperly - most of the time. But one of my best friends sits at the other end of the spectrum, being rude and obnoxious with his habit. He smokes around his own kids, around his pregnant wife (who was also smoking), and anyone who doesn't like it - even me - tends to get a resounding "fuck you, I'll do what I want".

Get up from your 3 week long session killing boars for manna on W.O.W. and actually go to a public area. I know the crowds there will most likely recognize your nerdocissity by your pale skin and medicine smell, and they may throw insults and solid objects at you, but be brave. Observe the smokers. Watch them in traffic while your mum carts you to school or wherever. Go to a shopping center, a bowling alley, a pub (of course you can't go in), and especially places that have banned smoking inside. Count the number of cigarette buttes thrown to the ground, and then measure how far from the recepticle they are. Watch the smokers dump their ashtrays on the pavement at stop lights. Observe how many attempt to light up in a "no smoking" area. Then call them on their behavior and gauge their reaction.

You can learn from a book or a website anything someone wants to tell you. But true knowledge is gained from life experiences. I pulled from my daily encounters with smokers the necessary ire for that article, and nothing you read anywhere will change my opinion of smokers, nor will it buttress the truth of how the overwhelming majority of them behave. It is quite simply a nasty habit to inflict on someone else, and it happens at an alarming rate - which is why even people like myself who don't appreciate government interference in an individual's life support smoking bans.

So I still say fuck smokers, Nathan Morgan. And fuck you.