Why I Hate Your Children 2

In a previous badass article (Why I Hate Your Children) I completely demolished the bullshit parenting skills required to create the screaming fucking brats you force on the public. But after my experience at the movies yesterday, it became necessary to also slap you around about your screaming fucking baby.

That's right - your stupid, screaming fucking baby. It took zero effort for you to create the screaming pile of feces and drool. Maybe the condom broke. Maybe you were raped and decided to keep it because you are too hideous to expect another man to ever sleep with you. Maybe you had sex with a 400 pound gorilla bitch and stayed thanks to your love of animals - who knows? Either way, being a parent takes more skill, effort, and common sense than the act that created the little shit did.

Now, I'm not simply going after your screaming baby like some grown man attempting to pwn an 8 year old. It's not your baby's fault it screams and whines and cries incessantly in public situations - it's yours. The baby can't help teething, or being hungry, or having a rash, or an ear infection, or a stupid bullshit ass parent who has no fucking idea when your baby is going through one of these stages to LEAVE THE LITTLE SHIT AT HOME!

Are you so fucking stupid or in such a big fucking hurry to go blow your money you can't either wait until your child feels better to come out in public, or at least find a sitter? Those steaks will still be at The Sizzler tomorrow! What the fuck is so important you can't put your life on hold for one god damned day to take care of your child? Parents that do this not only piss me off, they disgust me. Your child should be infinitely more important than going to Wal Mart to buy a $10 shirt while it's on sale for $3. And almost as important, you should have more respect not only for your child, but for the general public that will be subjected to your unavoidable bad parenting.

When I am at a restaurant, I DO NOT want to have my ears constantly inundated by the piercing shrieks of your crying baby. Similar to smokers, you seem to think you have a right to subject us to your crap. I have a small infant, and even when she's feeling good I don't take her to places where she could disturb others. I either find a sitter or stay the fuck home, and do it without complaining. A child starts a new chapter in your life, with a new level of responsibility. I have no problem putting my free time aside for any of my children, a lesson you sorry fuckers should learn.

If you have a small infant who is teething or has some other growth-related malady, do you really think YOU are going to be able to enjoy your day, let alone US? Or are you just so self-absorbed that you just don't care if we're all pissed off and your baby's in distress? If you engage in this sort of activity, you are not only a shiftless rude asshole, you are a sorry parent. Go ahead and hatemail me with your whiny assed excuses and lame arguments - I really don't give a fuck. Either find someone to keep the baby or (gasp) stay home and take care of your child! Would that be so damn hard?

Since you are too stupid to grasp that there are certain situations where a screaming fucking baby is detrimental to public well-being, here's a list for you to print out and carry with you at all times.

The movies - Your screaming baby is indeed louder than the Dolby/THX surround system at the theater. Whatever feature you are so desperate to see will not only be there tomorrow, but will be ruined by your insistence on bringing your infant.

Adult restaurants - T.G.I.Friday's is not the place to take a screaming 7 month old sack of dung and formula. Go to McDonald's, moron. Better yet, hit the drive thru. Also included in this category would be Applebee's, Olive garden, and Carrabba's.

Shopping - What the hell are you thinking looking for shoes while your baby screams to high hell about whatever it's problem is today? Shopping centers tend to be crowded with all kinds of people with all sorts of germs and other issues. If your child is sick or teething and their immune system is weak, taking them to a giant source of germs and bacteria makes little sense. Then you have to deal with people like me who will actually tell you to your face what I think of your parenting. Aisle rage can be ugly.

Porn / Sex Toy stores - Yes, I have actually seen this happen. Not only is this inappropriate, it is illegal. If you just had a kid, maybe you should wait a few days to buy some porn or bedroom accessories. Luckily the porn shop this happened at had enough sense to shoo those dumbasses back out the door. A baby in a carrier does not fit in well beside a rack of dildos.

So you fucking morons listen to me. If you have a screaming fucking baby, the rest of us have absolutely no desire to listen to it. Nor do we wish to watch you make a lame attempt at placating the child rather than actually taking care of it. A child with an ear infection needs to be at home, not sitting in a movie theater while some dumb bitch tries to silence it with a pacifier. If you do this shit, you deserve to be run over by a busload of nuns. Your child deserves better, and so the fuck do we.

Maybe I should follow you home and scream in your window while you try to eat dinner. Dumbass.