Thanks to the asshole that fired me for daring to not royally fuck myself over, I am now entrenched in the grueling process of finding another job. Face it - unemployment doesn't last forever and I'm just not lucky enough for my wife to make enough money for me to be a stay home dad, nor do I possess the powers to pick winning lottery numbers, leap tall buildings, or fit into a Spandex costume. So I have to find a fucking job.

To assist in my search, I decided to post my resume on Career Builder. I figured this would be a great way for potential employers to recognize my awesomeness and decide to throw huge piles of cash my way to get me to work for them. So I create my profile titled Experienced Landscape Maintenance Supervisor complete with resume, and this is the shit I get back:

Hell, here's the email notification I got this morning:

What the fuck, man? Absolutely NONE of that shit fits my qualifications! How in the fuck does my ability to tell a mexican to pushmow a lawn qualify me to be a Branch Manager at Jim Walter Homes? Sales, software programmer, a fucking nurse? What the fuck does slinging a weedeater have to do with the health care profession? And worst of all, a line cook at Country's Barbeque! Come on, man - literally everyone who knows anything about me knows I hate that place with a fucking passion.

It's fairly obvious to me at this point Career Builder is no more oriented to finding you 'the job you always wanted' than any porn site is. It's just a random bit of php that very poorly matches a few keywords from your profile with job listings it most likely got from crawling other job search web sites. Seriously, one of the results I got recently was 'Manager - African Hair Braiding Studio'. Take a moment to collect your thoughts - I know I had to. Pruning a bush and putting a weave in some fat bitch's hair have nothing in common.

However, I may actually apply for this one. That way when I get turned down I can sue for racial discrimination, and Bob's Summer of Sitting Around In His Underwear can continue indefinitely. Great success!